Funny quotes you will love to read over and over again

If you are looking for some good humour that you will love to read over and over, then take a browse through these.

“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” ~ Mark Twain

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” ~ Dalai Lama

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” ~ Dennis Wholey

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” ~ Will Rogers

“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” ~ Norman Wisdom

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” ~ Billy Connolly

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” ~ George Carlin

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” ~ Charlie Chaplin

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” ~ Charles M. Schulz

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” ~ Phyllis Diller

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” ~ Oscar Wilde

“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” ~ Mark Twain

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” ~ Prince Philip

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Great classic humour quotes

If you are looking for a good chuckle, take a read through these funny quotes sure to put a smile on your face.

“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”

—Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias

“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”

—Anonymous

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”

—Graham Norton

“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”

—Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

—George Carlin

“When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”

—Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

—Sir Norman Wisdom

“That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”

—Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”

—Adam Gropman

“Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”

—Neil DeGrasse Tyson

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Funny But Motivational Quotes To Put A Smile On Your Face

Here are some of the funniest and wittiest motivational one-liners that will win over the most die-hard cynic. Enjoy!

“If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.” Elvis Presley

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” Will Rogers

“Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.” Dwight D. Eisenhower

“Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.” Jason Love

“Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.” Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

“Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” Franklin P. Jones

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” Ron White

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Thomas Eddison

“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” Unknown

“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says “I’m possible!” Audrey Hepburn

“Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” Robert Bloch

“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” Marilyn Monroe

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” Robert Frost

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” Terry Pratchett

“Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” Billie Burke

“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.” Unknown

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Funny and Surprisingly Relatable Quotes About Reading

Here is a list of some of the funniest and relatable quotes about reading books, since face it, almost every bookworm will smile, chuckle, or even laugh out loud as they read this list.

My problem with reading books is that I get distracted… by other books.

If my book is open, your mouth should be closed.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be reading. Please don’t need me.

I enjoy long, romantic walks through the bookstore…

When trouble strikes, head to the library. You will either be able to solve the problem, or simply have something to read as the world crashes down on you.

How to shop with a bookworm:

1. Enter the store
2. Keep eyes on your bookworm at all times
3. Wow ok you lost them
4. They’re gone forever now

Apparently, reading during lunch and ignoring others is considered “rude”.

Anyone who has time to clean, is not reading nearly enough.

I’m not addicted to reading. I can stop as soon as I finish the next chapter.

Bookworm problem: Laughing out loud while reading a book in public place and getting funny looks from the other people.

*Losing your bookmark in your sheets while reading in bed*

Can’t get out of bed.

Send help…

Or books!

Yeah, just send BOOKS!

The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

Sometimes you just need to lay on the couch and read for a couple of years.

When a character does something really stupid or embarrassing, I have to close the book and breathe for a second because I can feel their embarrassment.

*That moment at 3am when you whisper to yourself, “I need to stop…” as you turn the page*

I do not want to just read books; I want to climb inside them and live there.

If you’re going to binge, literature is definitely the way to do it.

When you’re halfway through a book and come to a plot twist at 1am… I don’t need sleep! I need answers!

People who say that I’m hard to shop for must not know where to buy books.

Friend: Are you finished with this book?

Me: Physically? Yes.

Me: Emotionally? Stares into distances Never…

*That major sleep disorder you have called “Reading”.*

Just in case things get boring, I’m bringing a book.

I was the kid who got in trouble for reading past her bedtime and for reading when the teacher was talking.

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Facts About Laughing That Will Definitely Make You Smile

Get a good chuckle by reading some of this trivia about laughing.

Humans laughed before they spoke

It is believed that laughter was used as a way for humans to relate to one another millions of years before our lungs developed the strength for language. In fact, babies as young as 17 days old have been observed laughing.

Laughter is actually rarely tied to humour

Laughter plays a bonding function between individuals and it doesn’t necessarily correlate to the telling of a joke. In fact, laughter due to jokes accounts for only ten per cent of the time people laugh.

Couples who laugh together, stay together

Couples who manage stressful situations together through laughter have higher levels of relationship satisfaction and stayed together longer than couples who didn’t laugh together.

Laughter controls our brains

When you see people laugh, you smile, right? This is because your brain makes it nearly impossible not to. The premotor cortical region of the brain, which prepares the muscles in the face to move, is activated when you see people laugh.

Laughing burns more calories than you may think

Through 10 to 15 minutes of laughing a day you can burn up to 40 calories. This is because laughing increases both your heart rate and oxygen consumption.

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