Funny History Quotes (Some Will Surprise You)

Relax, laugh and have a good time with these funny quotes about history, all curated by the Mediajist review team.

History books that contain no lies are extremely dull. Anatole France

Hindsight is the historian’s necessary vice. Hilary Mantel

On human stupidity: It is one of the most powerful forces that shape history. Yuval Noah Harari

Human blunders usually do more to shape history than human wickedness. A. J. P. Taylor

History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren’t there. George Santayana

When the great history of trouble is written, my family will stand extremely high in the table of contents. Allan Sherman

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. Ambrose Bierce

I felt like a pickle stepping into history. Bill Clinton

Long before history began we men have got together apart from the women and done things. We had time. C. S. Lewis

People take the longest possible paths, digress to numerous dead ends, and make all kinds of mistakes. Then historians come along and write summaries of this messy, nonlinear process and make it appear like a simple, straight line. Dean Kamen

The historian will tell you what happened. The novelist will tell you what it felt like. E. L. Doctorow

Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs. David Ben Gurion

Watch the History Channel if you want it literal and historically perfect. Emily Blunt

Every historian discloses a new horizon. George Sand

A poet in history is divine, but a poet in the next room is a joke. Max Eastman

Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. H. L. Mencken

Like a historian, I interpret, select, discard, shape, simplify. Unlike a historian, I make up people’s thoughts. Hilary Mantel

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too. Joan Rivers

History can bring luck: this is what we can call optimism. Stephane Hessel

You don’t hate history, you hate the way it was taught to you in high school. Stephen Ambrose

I feel like I’m too busy writing history to read it. Kanye West

The historian is a prophet looking backward. Karl Wilhelm Friedrich Schlegel

For more great humour and comedy, check out the entire collection of eBooks and podcasts at Mediajist.

Funny Dog Quotes to Make You LOL with Your Furry Best Friends

Appreciate your four-legged friend even more with these funny furry best friend quotes.

1. “A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well – almost.” – Charlotte Gray

2. “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” – Robert Benchley

3. “A lot of shelter dogs are mutts like me.” – Barack Obama

4. “A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.” – Helen Thomson

5. “Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like, never washed a dog.” – Franklin P. Jones

6. “As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.” – Jean Ferris

7. “Choosing a dog may be the only chance you get to pick a relative.” – Unknown

8. “Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.” – John Grogan

9. “Dogs are like potato chips. You can’t have just one.” – Unknown

10. “Dogs do speak but only to those who know how to listen.” – Orhan Pamuk

11. “Dogs never bite me. Just humans.” – Marilyn Monroe

12. “Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: The mail man is not to be trusted.” – Sian Ford

13. “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” – Ann Landers

14. “Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” – Anne Tyler

15. “Everything I know I learned from dogs.” – Nora Roberts

16. “Handle every situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.” – Unknown

17. “I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn’t excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother.” – Bonnie Schacter

18. “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” – Rita Rudner

19. “I work hard so my dog can have a better life.” – Unknown

20. “If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?” – Unknown

For plenty more great humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

Step Brothers Quotes that Will Make You Laugh

Step Brothers is a classic comedy which follows two immature adults (Will Farrell and John C. Reilly) who still live at home and are forced to live together when their parents get married. Here are some of the funniest quotes from the movie.

1.) “I’m Dale, but you have to call me Dragon.” — Dale Doback

2.) “I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I’m smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes, I see an equation written on a blackboard like half an equation and… I just figure it out.” — Dale Doback

3.) “Gotta have my boats and hoes!” — Dale Doback

 

4.) “You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.” — Dale Doback

 

5.) “You know what gets my dick hard? Helping out my friends.” — Derek

 

6.) “Did we just become best friends?” — Brennan Huff

 

7.) “Maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.” — Brennan Huff

8.) “You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.” — Brennan Huff

 

9.) “I’m not great at this Hallmark stuff, but Brennan, when I look at you now, I don’t want to kick you in the head quite as much.” — Derek

10.) “Dad, what are you doing? It’s ‘Shark Week’!” — Dale Doback

11.) “On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don’t even think about it. Just name it. Ready? One, two, three.” — Dale Doback

12.) “One time I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with my bare hands.” — Dale Doback

13.) “Don’t lose your dinosaur.” — Robert Doback

14.) “Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.” — Dale Doback

15.) “Get out of my face, or I’m gonna roundhouse your ass.” — Brennan Huff

16.) “Your drumset is a whore! I tea bagged your drumset!” — Brennan Huff

17.) “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!” — Brennan Huff

If you are looking for more humour content, check out www.mediajist.com.

Quotes on the importance of humour in our lives

Start your day right with a quick read through some of these quotes about enjoying a few minutes of humour in your life.

Humor springs from rage, hay fever, overdue rent and miscellaneous hell. – Will Cuppy

The more one suffers, the more, I believe, has one a sense for the comic. – Søren Kierkegaard

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. – Francis Bacon

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time — of anything. If you’re laughing, I defy you to be afraid. – Stephen Colbert

I’m struck by how laughter connects you with people. It’s almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of social hierarchy when you’re just howling with laughter. Laughter is a force for democracy. – John Cleese

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes. – Ludwig Wittgenstein

Let me assure you that the humourless as a bunch don’t just not know what’s funny, they don’t know what’s serious. They have no common sense, either, and shouldn’t be trusted with anything. – Martin Amis

Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God. – Karl Barth

Comedy is tragedy plus time. – Carol Burnett

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks

A joke’s a very serious thing. – Charles Churchill, The Ghost

If I can get you to laugh with me, you like me better, which makes you more open to my ideas. And, if I can persuade you to laugh at a particular point that I make, by laughing at it you acknowledge it as true. – John Cleese

For plenty more humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

Humour quotes to brighten up your day

We all need a good laugh sometimes, so here are some fun quotes on laughter to help start your day off right.

“Comedy is acting out optimism.” –Robin Williams

“A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.” –William Arthur Ward

“Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.” –Allen Klein

“Humor is just another defense against the universe.” –Mel Brooks

“Humor is laughing at what you haven’t got when you ought to have it.” –Langston Hughes

“Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.” –Christopher Morley

“If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.” –Jennifer Jones

“Humor is something that thrives between man’s aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.” –Victor Borge

“Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.” –Leo Rosten

“Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.” –Langston Hughes

“Next to power without honor, the most dangerous thing in the world is power without humor.” –Eric Sevareid

“The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.” –Jacob August Riis

For more great comical content, check out www.mediajist.com.

Why laughter really is the best medicine

Laughter is a gift we can give ourselves and others so here are a few great quotes to keep you happy and healthy.

“Laugh as much as possible, always laugh. It’s the sweetest thing one can do for oneself & one’s fellow human beings.” –Maya Angelou

“A good laugh makes any interview, or any conversation, so much better.” –Barbara Walters

“He who laughs, lasts.” –Mary Pettibone Poole

“A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing.” –Laura Ingalls Wilder

“There is nothing like a gleam of humor to reassure you that a fellow human being is ticking inside a strange face.” –Eva Hoffman

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” –Bill Cosby

“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.” –Henry Ward Beecher

“It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously.” –Oscar Wild

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.” –Erma Bombeck

“A sense of humor… is needed armor. Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.” –Hugh Sidey

“A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done” –Dwight D. Eisenhower

“I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.” –Frank A. Clark

“No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense of humor.” –Samuel Taylor Coleridge

For plenty more humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

The best quotes to make you giggle

Fans of comedy will love these funny quotes from the world’s best comics.

“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

—Groucho Marx

“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”

—Jay Leno

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

—Steve Martin

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”

—Dave Barry

“Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.”

—Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn), True Detective

“What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.”

—Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin), My Big Fat Greek Wedding

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

—George Burns

“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”

—Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), A Fish Called Wanda

“Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”

—Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny

“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”

—Ellen DeGeneres

Francois: “Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?”

Clouseau: “The exploding kind.”

—Francois (André Maranne) and Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers), The Pink Panther Strikes Again

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”

—Tina Fey, Bossypants

“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”

—Anonymous

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

—Robin Williams

“I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”

—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory

“I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.”

—Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters

Police officer: “Pull over.”

Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.”

—Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”

—Bob Hope

“If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”

—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night

“I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”

—Anonymous

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”

—Mark Twain

If you are looking for a good giggle, check out www.mediajist.com today.

Jokes to brighten up your day

Take a few moments out of your day to enjoy a good chuckle with these funny jokes.

“My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”—Maria Bamford

“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”—Jarod Kintz

“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”—Dorothy Parker

“The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.”—Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail

“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”—Lin-Manuel Miranda

“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”—Anonymous

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”—Groucho Marx

“I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”—Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada

“My perfect beautiful miracle baby? Never slept. Ever. Never. Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.”—Shonda Rimes

“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”—Damien Fahey

“Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.”—Anonymous

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”—Jack Whitehall

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”—Noel Coward

“Trying s the first step toward failure.”—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”—Zach Galifianakis

If you are looking for a bit of humour to brighten your day, check out www.mediajist.com today.

Great classic humour quotes

If you are looking for a good chuckle, take a read through these funny quotes sure to put a smile on your face.

“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”

—Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias

“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”

—Anonymous

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”

—Graham Norton

“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”

—Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

—George Carlin

“When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”

—Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

—Sir Norman Wisdom

“That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”

—Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”

—Adam Gropman

“Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”

—Neil DeGrasse Tyson

For plenty more humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh Out Loud

If you’re looking for a good laugh then look no further as we have got you covered! Here is a good list of some of the funniest quotes to make you laugh out loud.

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers

“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.” – Anton Chekhov

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”– Benny Hill

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Bernard Baruch

“Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” – Bertrand Russell

“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” – Bertrand Russell

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.” – Betty White

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” – Bill Maher

“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.” – Bill Vaughan

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” – Bill Vaughan

For more hilarious humour, check out www.mediajist.com today.