Fans of comedy will love these funny quotes from the world’s best comics.
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
—Groucho Marx
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
—Jay Leno
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
—Steve Martin
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
—Dave Barry
“Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.”
—Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn), True Detective
“What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.”
—Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin), My Big Fat Greek Wedding
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
—George Burns
“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”
—Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), A Fish Called Wanda
“Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”
—Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”
—Ellen DeGeneres
Francois: “Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?”
Clouseau: “The exploding kind.”
—Francois (André Maranne) and Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers), The Pink Panther Strikes Again
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
—Tina Fey, Bossypants
“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”
—Anonymous
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
—Robin Williams
“I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”
—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory
“I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.”
—Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters
Police officer: “Pull over.”
Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.”
—Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
—Bob Hope
“If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”
—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night
“I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”
—Anonymous
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”
—Mark Twain
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