Funny History Quotes (Some Will Surprise You)

Relax, laugh and have a good time with these funny quotes about history, all curated by the Mediajist review team.

History books that contain no lies are extremely dull. Anatole France

Hindsight is the historian’s necessary vice. Hilary Mantel

On human stupidity: It is one of the most powerful forces that shape history. Yuval Noah Harari

Human blunders usually do more to shape history than human wickedness. A. J. P. Taylor

History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren’t there. George Santayana

When the great history of trouble is written, my family will stand extremely high in the table of contents. Allan Sherman

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. Ambrose Bierce

I felt like a pickle stepping into history. Bill Clinton

Long before history began we men have got together apart from the women and done things. We had time. C. S. Lewis

People take the longest possible paths, digress to numerous dead ends, and make all kinds of mistakes. Then historians come along and write summaries of this messy, nonlinear process and make it appear like a simple, straight line. Dean Kamen

The historian will tell you what happened. The novelist will tell you what it felt like. E. L. Doctorow

Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs. David Ben Gurion

Watch the History Channel if you want it literal and historically perfect. Emily Blunt

Every historian discloses a new horizon. George Sand

A poet in history is divine, but a poet in the next room is a joke. Max Eastman

Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. H. L. Mencken

Like a historian, I interpret, select, discard, shape, simplify. Unlike a historian, I make up people’s thoughts. Hilary Mantel

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too. Joan Rivers

History can bring luck: this is what we can call optimism. Stephane Hessel

You don’t hate history, you hate the way it was taught to you in high school. Stephen Ambrose

I feel like I’m too busy writing history to read it. Kanye West

The historian is a prophet looking backward. Karl Wilhelm Friedrich Schlegel

For more great humour and comedy, check out the entire collection of eBooks and podcasts at Mediajist.

Quotes on the importance of humour in our lives

Start your day right with a quick read through some of these quotes about enjoying a few minutes of humour in your life.

Humor springs from rage, hay fever, overdue rent and miscellaneous hell. – Will Cuppy

The more one suffers, the more, I believe, has one a sense for the comic. – Søren Kierkegaard

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. – Francis Bacon

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time — of anything. If you’re laughing, I defy you to be afraid. – Stephen Colbert

I’m struck by how laughter connects you with people. It’s almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of social hierarchy when you’re just howling with laughter. Laughter is a force for democracy. – John Cleese

A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes. – Ludwig Wittgenstein

Let me assure you that the humourless as a bunch don’t just not know what’s funny, they don’t know what’s serious. They have no common sense, either, and shouldn’t be trusted with anything. – Martin Amis

Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God. – Karl Barth

Comedy is tragedy plus time. – Carol Burnett

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks

A joke’s a very serious thing. – Charles Churchill, The Ghost

If I can get you to laugh with me, you like me better, which makes you more open to my ideas. And, if I can persuade you to laugh at a particular point that I make, by laughing at it you acknowledge it as true. – John Cleese

For plenty more humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

Funny lines from some of the funniest folks out there

Take it from these funny folks and spend a few minutes from your day enjoying a bit of a good humour.

“Woke up today. It was terrible.”—Grumpy Cat

“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”—Anonymous

“I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.”—Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal

“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”—Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors

“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.”—Erma Bombeck

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”—Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant), Arsenic and Old Lace

Brian: “Look, you’ve got it all wrong. You don’t need to follow me. You don’t need to follow anybody. You’ve got to think for yourselves. You’re all individuals.”

Crowd: “Yes, we’re all individuals!”

Individual: “I’m not!” —Brian (Graham Chapman) and cast, Monty Python’s Life of Brian

“Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”—Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”—Oscar Wilde

“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”—Harry (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally

“The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.”—Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

“I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”—Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Sex and the City

Cal: “You are really pushing my buttons today.”

Becky: “Which one is ‘mute’?” —Waitress, the Musical

“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”—Anonymous

“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”—Betty White

If you are looking for a bit of humour to brighten your day, check out www.mediajist.com today.

Great classic humour quotes

If you are looking for a good chuckle, take a read through these funny quotes sure to put a smile on your face.

“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”

—Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias

“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”

—Anonymous

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”

—Graham Norton

“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”

—Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

—George Carlin

“When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”

—Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

—Sir Norman Wisdom

“That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”

—Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”

—Adam Gropman

“Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”

—Neil DeGrasse Tyson

For plenty more humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

Some of the Best Humour Quotes Ever

Looking for a bit of humour to brighten up your day? Here is a great selection of some of the best humorous quotes from some of the funniest people on the planet.

1. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”

—Mitch Hedberg

2. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”

—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove

3. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”

—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls

4. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”

—David Letterman

5. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

—Jack Handey

6. Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”

Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”

—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space

7. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”

—Mark Twain

8. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

—Will Ferrell

9. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

—Rita Rudner

10. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”

—Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day

11. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”

—Erma Bombeck

12. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

—Phyllis Diller

13. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”

—Ellen DeGeneres

14. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

—Anonymous

15. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”

—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld

16. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”

—Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office

17. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

—Anonymous

18. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

—Rodney Dangerfield

19. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

—Les Dawson

20. “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”

—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus

21. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”

—Steven Wright

22. Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious.”

Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley”

—Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane!

23.“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”

―Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

24. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

—Joan Rivers

25. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”

—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear

26. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”

—Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler), The Waterboy

27. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”

—Jimmy Kimmel

28. “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”

—Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up

29. “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”

—Lessons from the Minivan

30. “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”

—Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory

31. “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”

—Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club

32. Usher: “Bride or groom?”

Wedding guest: “It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither!”

—Four Weddings and a Funeral

33. Stan Fields: “Describe your perfect date.”

Cheryl: “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.”

—Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality

34. “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

—Jerry Seinfeld

35. Lucy: “There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.”

Fred: “Your feet?”

—Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Fred Mertz (William Frawley), I Love Lucy

36. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

—Anonymous

37. Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”

Norm: “I don’t know, I usually finish before they get a word in.”

—Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) and Norm (George Wendt), Cheers

38. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.”

—Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

39.“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”

—Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey

40. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”

—Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

For more great humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

Funny Quotes That Will Leave You You Chuckling in No Time

A day without laughter is a day wasted, so here is your daily dose of humour to have you chuckling in no time.

It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her. – W.C. Fields

Irish coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol. – Anonymous

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. – Winston Churchill

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman

I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. – W.C. Fields

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. – David Bissonette

What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. – Pearl Bailey

You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories. – Melanie Clark

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. – Jim Backus

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. – Rodney Dangerfield

I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow. – Billy Connolly

No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating. – Oscar Wilde

One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young. – Dorothy Canfield Fisher

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Jack Benny

Humor is also a way of saying something serious. – T.S. Eliot

Time is God’s way to keep everything from happening at once. – James Brown

I don’t care what is written about me as long as it isn’t true. – Katherine Hepburn

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell. – Garry Shandling

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. – Anne Bancroft

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. – Diana Jordan

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. – Gloria Steinem

For more great humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

Facts About Laughing That Will Definitely Make You Smile

Get a good chuckle by reading some of this trivia about laughing.

Humans laughed before they spoke

It is believed that laughter was used as a way for humans to relate to one another millions of years before our lungs developed the strength for language. In fact, babies as young as 17 days old have been observed laughing.

Laughter is actually rarely tied to humour

Laughter plays a bonding function between individuals and it doesn’t necessarily correlate to the telling of a joke. In fact, laughter due to jokes accounts for only ten per cent of the time people laugh.

Couples who laugh together, stay together

Couples who manage stressful situations together through laughter have higher levels of relationship satisfaction and stayed together longer than couples who didn’t laugh together.

Laughter controls our brains

When you see people laugh, you smile, right? This is because your brain makes it nearly impossible not to. The premotor cortical region of the brain, which prepares the muscles in the face to move, is activated when you see people laugh.

Laughing burns more calories than you may think

Through 10 to 15 minutes of laughing a day you can burn up to 40 calories. This is because laughing increases both your heart rate and oxygen consumption.

Looking for more great humour? Then head over to www.mediajist.com today.

Books That Prove Women Are Funny Too

Don’t let men steal the spotlight or try and tell all the jokes. Take a look at this list that proves women can be just as, if not funnier, than men. It may seem like an outdated opinion, but spend enough time on the internet, whether that’s browsing best of lists, or simply trying to get by on Twitter and you will start to realize that plenty of people don’t see the value in the comedy written by women. This list is a starting point for busting that myth once and for all.

Helen DeWitt by Lightning Rods

Proof that the shock and awe brand of postmodernism that made the likes of Chuck Palahniuk and Bret Easton Ellis famous can not only be laughed out loud funny, but feminist too. This acerbic novel with a premise ripe for satire, a vacuum cleaner salesman tries to curb sexual harassment through rather unconventional and very adult means is a brilliant satire of office politics, the American male ego, and capitalism.

Maria Semple by Where’d You Go Bernadette

Maria Semple cut her teeth as a screenwriter for Arrested Development, arguably the finest achievement in television comedy writing. But if that wasn’t enough then Where’d You Go Bernadette is proof there are more wit and character depth in the rom-com format than one would imagine, complete with the kind of over the top absurdity one would expect from her former show.

If you want to find more excellent comedy books by women, the best and latest in humor and satire eBooks and audiobooks can be found over at www.mediajist.com.