Funny History Quotes (Some Will Surprise You)

Relax, laugh and have a good time with these funny quotes about history, all curated by the Mediajist review team.

History books that contain no lies are extremely dull. Anatole France

Hindsight is the historian’s necessary vice. Hilary Mantel

On human stupidity: It is one of the most powerful forces that shape history. Yuval Noah Harari

Human blunders usually do more to shape history than human wickedness. A. J. P. Taylor

History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren’t there. George Santayana

When the great history of trouble is written, my family will stand extremely high in the table of contents. Allan Sherman

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. Ambrose Bierce

I felt like a pickle stepping into history. Bill Clinton

Long before history began we men have got together apart from the women and done things. We had time. C. S. Lewis

People take the longest possible paths, digress to numerous dead ends, and make all kinds of mistakes. Then historians come along and write summaries of this messy, nonlinear process and make it appear like a simple, straight line. Dean Kamen

The historian will tell you what happened. The novelist will tell you what it felt like. E. L. Doctorow

Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs. David Ben Gurion

Watch the History Channel if you want it literal and historically perfect. Emily Blunt

Every historian discloses a new horizon. George Sand

A poet in history is divine, but a poet in the next room is a joke. Max Eastman

Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. H. L. Mencken

Like a historian, I interpret, select, discard, shape, simplify. Unlike a historian, I make up people’s thoughts. Hilary Mantel

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too. Joan Rivers

History can bring luck: this is what we can call optimism. Stephane Hessel

You don’t hate history, you hate the way it was taught to you in high school. Stephen Ambrose

I feel like I’m too busy writing history to read it. Kanye West

The historian is a prophet looking backward. Karl Wilhelm Friedrich Schlegel

For more great humour and comedy, check out the entire collection of eBooks and podcasts at Mediajist.

Funny Dog Quotes to Make You LOL with Your Furry Best Friends

Appreciate your four-legged friend even more with these funny furry best friend quotes.

1. “A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well – almost.” – Charlotte Gray

2. “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” – Robert Benchley

3. “A lot of shelter dogs are mutts like me.” – Barack Obama

4. “A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.” – Helen Thomson

5. “Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like, never washed a dog.” – Franklin P. Jones

6. “As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.” – Jean Ferris

7. “Choosing a dog may be the only chance you get to pick a relative.” – Unknown

8. “Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.” – John Grogan

9. “Dogs are like potato chips. You can’t have just one.” – Unknown

10. “Dogs do speak but only to those who know how to listen.” – Orhan Pamuk

11. “Dogs never bite me. Just humans.” – Marilyn Monroe

12. “Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: The mail man is not to be trusted.” – Sian Ford

13. “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” – Ann Landers

14. “Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” – Anne Tyler

15. “Everything I know I learned from dogs.” – Nora Roberts

16. “Handle every situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.” – Unknown

17. “I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn’t excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother.” – Bonnie Schacter

18. “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” – Rita Rudner

19. “I work hard so my dog can have a better life.” – Unknown

20. “If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?” – Unknown

For plenty more great humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

The best quotes to make you giggle

Fans of comedy will love these funny quotes from the world’s best comics.

“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

—Groucho Marx

“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”

—Jay Leno

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

—Steve Martin

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”

—Dave Barry

“Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.”

—Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn), True Detective

“What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.”

—Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin), My Big Fat Greek Wedding

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”

—George Burns

“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”

—Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), A Fish Called Wanda

“Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”

—Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny

“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”

—Ellen DeGeneres

Francois: “Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?”

Clouseau: “The exploding kind.”

—Francois (André Maranne) and Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers), The Pink Panther Strikes Again

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”

—Tina Fey, Bossypants

“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”

—Anonymous

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

—Robin Williams

“I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”

—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory

“I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.”

—Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters

Police officer: “Pull over.”

Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.”

—Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”

—Bob Hope

“If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”

—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night

“I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”

—Anonymous

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”

—Mark Twain

If you are looking for a good giggle, check out www.mediajist.com today.

Funny Tweets Every Parent Can Relate To

Parenting is challenging and rewarding all at the same time. And a lot of the times, it can also be very funny. Here are some totally relatable parenting tweets which will make you LOL.

Thought Experiment

If you open a candy wrapper in the middle of a forest with nobody around, how long until your children show up and ask what you’re eating? —@mommajessiec

My Quotable Kid

My four-year-old has been carrying a small notebook around all day. She opens it, writes small scribbles and quickly closes it back up. She’s calling it her “secret diarrhea.” Maybe someday I’ll correct her, but definitely not today. —@momtransparent1

Breakfast Problems

Have kids so that someone can ask you to cut up their bagel and then ask you to put it back together. —@OhioMomoftwo

Mind = Blown

My daughter woke me up at 5 a.m. to urgently tell me that “Any balloon SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon,” and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun

Too Clingy

Me: Mommy just needs a little space right now.

Child [perched on top of my head]: Why? —@LurkAtHomeMom

An Almost-Compliment

My daughter just asked me if I was 22. I said, “No, I’m 37.” Then she asked if I’m actually her grandma. —@UnfilteredMama

He Said, She Said

“… and then Mommy turned into a big mountain where the princess and the dragon had a party!” –My four-year-old explaining how I fell asleep in the middle of our game. —@bunandleggings

The “Why” Phase

Please respect our privacy at this difficult time while we deal with our toddler, who has just entered the “Why?” phase. —@whinecheezit

You’ve Got a Friend in Me

“You’re just like me: trash!” –My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 to strangers on the street. —@dadthatwrites

The Horror, the Horror

Sometimes I like to live dangerously by putting ketchup on my kid’s dinner plate without asking where they would like it. —@threetimedaddy

A Day in the Life

Yesterday, my four-year-old and I painted pictures, went to the park, played house, cooked dinner together and watched a movie. Or, as she described it to her teacher: “I picked up a dead bug and mommy yelled at me.” —@stayathomies

Hosts With the Most

How my family preps for guests:

Me: *Tidies up.*

Husband: *Fires up the barbecue.*

Toddler: *Removes all clothing.* —@jannakilimnik

Goldilocks Strikes Back

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *Makes new sandwich.*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *Makes one just right.*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore. —@mommajessiec

Over the Moon

Today my four-year-old asked me, “Daddy, does the moon have a job or does it just sit there?” —@thecatwhisprer

For plenty more humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

Funny lines from some of the funniest folks out there

Take it from these funny folks and spend a few minutes from your day enjoying a bit of a good humour.

“Woke up today. It was terrible.”—Grumpy Cat

“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”—Anonymous

“I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.”—Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal

“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”—Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors

“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.”—Erma Bombeck

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”—Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant), Arsenic and Old Lace

Brian: “Look, you’ve got it all wrong. You don’t need to follow me. You don’t need to follow anybody. You’ve got to think for yourselves. You’re all individuals.”

Crowd: “Yes, we’re all individuals!”

Individual: “I’m not!” —Brian (Graham Chapman) and cast, Monty Python’s Life of Brian

“Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”—Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”—Oscar Wilde

“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”—Harry (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally

“The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.”—Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

“I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”—Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Sex and the City

Cal: “You are really pushing my buttons today.”

Becky: “Which one is ‘mute’?” —Waitress, the Musical

“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”—Anonymous

“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”—Betty White

If you are looking for a bit of humour to brighten your day, check out www.mediajist.com today.

Jokes to brighten up your day

Take a few moments out of your day to enjoy a good chuckle with these funny jokes.

“My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”—Maria Bamford

“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”—Jarod Kintz

“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”—Dorothy Parker

“The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.”—Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail

“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”—Lin-Manuel Miranda

“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”—Anonymous

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”—Groucho Marx

“I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”—Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada

“My perfect beautiful miracle baby? Never slept. Ever. Never. Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.”—Shonda Rimes

“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”—Damien Fahey

“Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.”—Anonymous

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”—Jack Whitehall

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”—Noel Coward

“Trying s the first step toward failure.”—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”—Zach Galifianakis

If you are looking for a bit of humour to brighten your day, check out www.mediajist.com today.

Great classic humour quotes

If you are looking for a good chuckle, take a read through these funny quotes sure to put a smile on your face.

“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”

—Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias

“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”

—Anonymous

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”

—Graham Norton

“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”

—Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

—George Carlin

“When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”

—Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”

—Sir Norman Wisdom

“That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”

—Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”

—Adam Gropman

“Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”

—Neil DeGrasse Tyson

For plenty more humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

Funny Quotes That Will Leave You You Chuckling in No Time

A day without laughter is a day wasted, so here is your daily dose of humour to have you chuckling in no time.

It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her. – W.C. Fields

Irish coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol. – Anonymous

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. – Winston Churchill

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman

I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. – W.C. Fields

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. – David Bissonette

What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. – Pearl Bailey

You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories. – Melanie Clark

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. – Jim Backus

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. – Rodney Dangerfield

I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow. – Billy Connolly

No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating. – Oscar Wilde

One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young. – Dorothy Canfield Fisher

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Jack Benny

Humor is also a way of saying something serious. – T.S. Eliot

Time is God’s way to keep everything from happening at once. – James Brown

I don’t care what is written about me as long as it isn’t true. – Katherine Hepburn

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell. – Garry Shandling

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. – Anne Bancroft

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. – Diana Jordan

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. – Gloria Steinem

For more great humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

Funny But Motivational Quotes To Put A Smile On Your Face

Here are some of the funniest and wittiest motivational one-liners that will win over the most die-hard cynic. Enjoy!

“If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.” Elvis Presley

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” Will Rogers

“Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.” Dwight D. Eisenhower

“Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.” Jason Love

“Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.” Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

“Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” Franklin P. Jones

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” Ron White

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Thomas Eddison

“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” Unknown

“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says “I’m possible!” Audrey Hepburn

“Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” Robert Bloch

“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” Marilyn Monroe

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” Robert Frost

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” Terry Pratchett

“Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” Billie Burke

“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.” Unknown

For more humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

Funny and Surprisingly Relatable Quotes About Reading

Here is a list of some of the funniest and relatable quotes about reading books, since face it, almost every bookworm will smile, chuckle, or even laugh out loud as they read this list.

My problem with reading books is that I get distracted… by other books.

If my book is open, your mouth should be closed.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be reading. Please don’t need me.

I enjoy long, romantic walks through the bookstore…

When trouble strikes, head to the library. You will either be able to solve the problem, or simply have something to read as the world crashes down on you.

How to shop with a bookworm:

1. Enter the store
2. Keep eyes on your bookworm at all times
3. Wow ok you lost them
4. They’re gone forever now

Apparently, reading during lunch and ignoring others is considered “rude”.

Anyone who has time to clean, is not reading nearly enough.

I’m not addicted to reading. I can stop as soon as I finish the next chapter.

Bookworm problem: Laughing out loud while reading a book in public place and getting funny looks from the other people.

*Losing your bookmark in your sheets while reading in bed*

Can’t get out of bed.

Send help…

Or books!

Yeah, just send BOOKS!

The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

Sometimes you just need to lay on the couch and read for a couple of years.

When a character does something really stupid or embarrassing, I have to close the book and breathe for a second because I can feel their embarrassment.

*That moment at 3am when you whisper to yourself, “I need to stop…” as you turn the page*

I do not want to just read books; I want to climb inside them and live there.

If you’re going to binge, literature is definitely the way to do it.

When you’re halfway through a book and come to a plot twist at 1am… I don’t need sleep! I need answers!

People who say that I’m hard to shop for must not know where to buy books.

Friend: Are you finished with this book?

Me: Physically? Yes.

Me: Emotionally? Stares into distances Never…

*That major sleep disorder you have called “Reading”.*

Just in case things get boring, I’m bringing a book.

I was the kid who got in trouble for reading past her bedtime and for reading when the teacher was talking.

For more good humour, check out www.mediajist.com.