Funny Retirement Quotes

Vacation season is right around the corner and these retirement quotes curated by the Mediajist review team will inspire you to retire happily from your full-time job and kiss your hard work goodbye.

1. “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” — A. A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

2. “Often when you think you’re at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else.” — Fred Rogers

3. “What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired.” — Unknown

4. “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou

5. “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” — Winston Churchill

6. “You can’t retire from being great.” — Unknown

7. “I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.” — Unknown

8. “Some of the best memories are made in flip flops.” — Kellie Elmore

9. “When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money.” — Chi Chi Rodriguez

10. “There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working.” — Robert Half

11. “Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” — Gene Perret

12. “In your retirement years never drink coffee at lunch; it will keep you aware in the afternoon.” — Unknown

13. “He who laughs last at the boss’s jokes probably isn’t far from retirement.” — Unknown

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Benefit from a good laugh with these funny quotes

If you are looking for a good laugh to start your day, why not take a read through these funny one-liners curated by the Mediajist review team?

“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” – Cynthia Heimel

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie

“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin

“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” – Dave Barry

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth

“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.” – Demetri Martin

“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley

“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.” – Desmond Morris

“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” – Dorothy Parker

“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.” – Doug Larson

“To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.” – Doug Larson

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” – Douglas Adams

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas Adams

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams

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Funny movie one-liners

If you are looking for some funny one-lines to brighten up your day, you have come to the right place. Check out this list curated by the Mediajist review team.

Jaws

“You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

Star Wars

“May the force be with you.”

Star Wars

“I am your father.”

The Wizard of Oz

“I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!”

Almost Famous

“Your aura is purple.”

Bridesmaids

“I’m glad he’s single, because I’m going to climb that like a tree.”

The Godfather

“I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.”

Pulp Fiction

“They call it a Royale with cheese.”

The Wizard of Oz

“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

For plenty more humour and comedy content, check out Mediajist today.

The Funniest Quotes on Pets

There definitely is a special bond between a pet and its owner and here at the Mediajist review team we have curated a list of quotes full of wit and wisdom on our furry friends.

1. “Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”

Colette

2. “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

Groucho Marx

3. “In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”

Terry Pratchett

4. “If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”

Mark Twain

5. “I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”

Winston Churchill

6. “Time spent with cats is never wasted.”

Sigmund Freud

7. “The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”

Charles de Gaulle

8. “To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”

Bill Bryson

9. “Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”

Eddie Izzard

10. “If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”

George Bernard Shaw

11. “No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”

Kin Hubbard

12. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”

Jerry Seinfeld

For plenty of good humour and comedy content, check out Mediajist.

Funny History Quotes (Some Will Surprise You)

Relax, laugh and have a good time with these funny quotes about history, all curated by the Mediajist review team.

History books that contain no lies are extremely dull. Anatole France

Hindsight is the historian’s necessary vice. Hilary Mantel

On human stupidity: It is one of the most powerful forces that shape history. Yuval Noah Harari

Human blunders usually do more to shape history than human wickedness. A. J. P. Taylor

History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren’t there. George Santayana

When the great history of trouble is written, my family will stand extremely high in the table of contents. Allan Sherman

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. Ambrose Bierce

I felt like a pickle stepping into history. Bill Clinton

Long before history began we men have got together apart from the women and done things. We had time. C. S. Lewis

People take the longest possible paths, digress to numerous dead ends, and make all kinds of mistakes. Then historians come along and write summaries of this messy, nonlinear process and make it appear like a simple, straight line. Dean Kamen

The historian will tell you what happened. The novelist will tell you what it felt like. E. L. Doctorow

Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs. David Ben Gurion

Watch the History Channel if you want it literal and historically perfect. Emily Blunt

Every historian discloses a new horizon. George Sand

A poet in history is divine, but a poet in the next room is a joke. Max Eastman

Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. H. L. Mencken

Like a historian, I interpret, select, discard, shape, simplify. Unlike a historian, I make up people’s thoughts. Hilary Mantel

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too. Joan Rivers

History can bring luck: this is what we can call optimism. Stephane Hessel

You don’t hate history, you hate the way it was taught to you in high school. Stephen Ambrose

I feel like I’m too busy writing history to read it. Kanye West

The historian is a prophet looking backward. Karl Wilhelm Friedrich Schlegel

For more great humour and comedy, check out the entire collection of eBooks and podcasts at Mediajist.

Three laugh out loud audiobooks to get you through Valentine’s Day

Sick of romance and chick-lit this Valentine’s Day? Here at Mediajist we’ve put together our top three side-splitting audiobooks you can chuckle along to. All available on Mediajist for download today!

One. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy Douglas Adams

This is one of the funniest books ever written. The much-loved Sci-fi comedy classic is worth your listening time in any medium. Follow Arthur Dents and Ford Prefects’ adventures around the universe with the delightful twist of Stephen Fry’s narration.

Two. Things I’ve Learned From Women Who’ve Dumped Me Ben Karlin (editor), various authors

This is all about the men who get dumped and get over it without becoming morons. It’s a collection of short stories from the underdogs of breakups. Some are sweet; some are tales of woe. If you’ve ever had your heartbroken and stamped on, and even if you are not quite ready to laugh about it, this is the book for you.

Three. Where’d You Go, Bernadette? Maria Semple

This is a delightfully fun story primarily told through emails of a mom from Seattle sitting on the edge of a nervous breakdown—ridiculing homeowners, married life, private schooling and TED talks. This novel displays the disappointment and misgivings of upper-class society. Maria’s comic genius shines throughout this audiobook.

If you need more rib-tickling audiobooks, visit Mediajist for our extensive selection of comic genius audiobooks.

Best Comic eBooks for Kids

Reading comic eBooks can offer you a chance to escape the real world and forget whatever you are undergoing during tough times. Comic eBooks are more fun to read when compared to regular books. Here are some comic ebooks that help your kid to be interested in reading.

El Deafo – Cece Bell

The book focuses on Cece’s childhood and how she lived with her deafness. She previously attended a school where everyone in her school was deaf. Luckily, she gets a new hearing aid and was transferred to a new school. Her experience at the new school is interesting as she can hear every single word that her classmates say. All the characters in this eBook are bunnies.

The Thunderbolt – Lori Wilde

Lacy had always had fancy stories about the legendary thunderbolt. The book has several fictions such as when Thunderbolt hits a certain place, the one true woman you love appears. Dr. Bennet believes in nothing else but science. He has no space for romantic tales in his life but when lightning strikes, she meets the woman of his dreams.

Stargazing – Jen Wang

Two sisters, Moon and Christine, grow up in a Chinese American suburb where they live as neighbors. The two are close friends who share their personal stuff. Moon starts seeing visions of illusions that try to talk to her. Christine is shocked and ends up in hospital fighting for her life.

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Funny Dog Quotes to Make You LOL with Your Furry Best Friends

Appreciate your four-legged friend even more with these funny furry best friend quotes.

1. “A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well – almost.” – Charlotte Gray

2. “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” – Robert Benchley

3. “A lot of shelter dogs are mutts like me.” – Barack Obama

4. “A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.” – Helen Thomson

5. “Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like, never washed a dog.” – Franklin P. Jones

6. “As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.” – Jean Ferris

7. “Choosing a dog may be the only chance you get to pick a relative.” – Unknown

8. “Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.” – John Grogan

9. “Dogs are like potato chips. You can’t have just one.” – Unknown

10. “Dogs do speak but only to those who know how to listen.” – Orhan Pamuk

11. “Dogs never bite me. Just humans.” – Marilyn Monroe

12. “Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: The mail man is not to be trusted.” – Sian Ford

13. “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” – Ann Landers

14. “Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” – Anne Tyler

15. “Everything I know I learned from dogs.” – Nora Roberts

16. “Handle every situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.” – Unknown

17. “I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn’t excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother.” – Bonnie Schacter

18. “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” – Rita Rudner

19. “I work hard so my dog can have a better life.” – Unknown

20. “If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?” – Unknown

For plenty more great humour, check out www.mediajist.com.

Step Brothers Quotes that Will Make You Laugh

Step Brothers is a classic comedy which follows two immature adults (Will Farrell and John C. Reilly) who still live at home and are forced to live together when their parents get married. Here are some of the funniest quotes from the movie.

1.) “I’m Dale, but you have to call me Dragon.” — Dale Doback

2.) “I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I’m smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes, I see an equation written on a blackboard like half an equation and… I just figure it out.” — Dale Doback

3.) “Gotta have my boats and hoes!” — Dale Doback

 

4.) “You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.” — Dale Doback

 

5.) “You know what gets my dick hard? Helping out my friends.” — Derek

 

6.) “Did we just become best friends?” — Brennan Huff

 

7.) “Maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.” — Brennan Huff

8.) “You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.” — Brennan Huff

 

9.) “I’m not great at this Hallmark stuff, but Brennan, when I look at you now, I don’t want to kick you in the head quite as much.” — Derek

10.) “Dad, what are you doing? It’s ‘Shark Week’!” — Dale Doback

11.) “On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don’t even think about it. Just name it. Ready? One, two, three.” — Dale Doback

12.) “One time I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with my bare hands.” — Dale Doback

13.) “Don’t lose your dinosaur.” — Robert Doback

14.) “Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.” — Dale Doback

15.) “Get out of my face, or I’m gonna roundhouse your ass.” — Brennan Huff

16.) “Your drumset is a whore! I tea bagged your drumset!” — Brennan Huff

17.) “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!” — Brennan Huff

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Dumb and Dumber Quotes for For Fans of the Movie

Here are some great Dumb and Dumber quotes following the lives of Harry and Lloyd, two best friends who aren’t the sharpest pencils.

“Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?” – Lloyd

“Did you pay the Gas-man?” – Lloyd

“So you’re telling me there’s a chance!” – Lloyd

“Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?” – Lloyd

“It’s ok – I’m a limo driver!” – Lloyd

“I’m going to hang by the bar. Put out the vibe.” – Lloyd

“Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this… and totally redeem yourself.” – Harry

“Kiss it! You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips! Right here! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!” – Harry

“Oh look, frost!” – Harry

“I don’t get it, Lloyd. She told me ten o’ clock, sharp! Are you sure you went to the right bar?” – Harry

“Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.” – Harry

“According to the map, we’ve only gone 4 inches.” – Harry

“You can’t triple stamp a double stamp!” – Harry

“You had, an extra pair of gloves this entire time?!” – Harry

“Kick his ass, Sea Bass.”

“Pull your vehicle to the side of the road! License and registration, please. You fellas were going a little fast back there, wouldn’t you say? You fellas been doing a bit of boozin’, have ya? Suckin back on grandpa’s old cough medicine?”

“Yeah, well you aware it’s against the law to have an open alcohol container here in the state of Pennsylvania? Come on give me them booze you little pumpkin pie hair cutted freak!”

“Would you like an atomic pepper, Mr. Mentalino?”

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