A day without laughter is a day wasted, so here is your daily dose of humour to have you chuckling in no time.
It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her. – W.C. Fields
Irish coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol. – Anonymous
Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. – Winston Churchill
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman
I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. – W.C. Fields
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. – David Bissonette
What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. – Pearl Bailey
You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories. – Melanie Clark
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. – Jim Backus
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. – Rodney Dangerfield
I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow. – Billy Connolly
No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating. – Oscar Wilde
One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young. – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Jack Benny
Humor is also a way of saying something serious. – T.S. Eliot
Time is God’s way to keep everything from happening at once. – James Brown
I don’t care what is written about me as long as it isn’t true. – Katherine Hepburn
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell. – Garry Shandling
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. – Anne Bancroft
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. – Diana Jordan
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. – Gloria Steinem
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