If you love a good chuckle then you will love these quotes from some of the funniest people alive.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield
Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. Mitch Hedberg
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. Bill Murray
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. Steven Wright
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. Bill Murray
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday
Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston S. Churchill
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal
My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. Jimmy Carter (US president 1977 to 1981)
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Mark Twain
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. Golda Meir
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